Years ago when I was given three days to live, I truly existed in the present, more than I can even express. It was a gratitude just to see my parents breathing. Just to see a leaf, swaying in the breeze. To hear the breeze and the leaves was such music to me. Everything was just so incredible, I was in utter awe and wonder.

 

Everybody who visited me were a gift. I'd go and put gas in my car; I would thank God and I thank everything possible that brought that gas and me, the capacity to buy gas so I could go to where I needed. That is truly where I was living. And then one night where I just woke up, without thought; I just woke up and I went into the kitchen. I wrote at the top of the page, who am I? Instead of writing “I am,” I wrote “minus.” So who am I? Minus my role as what? Minus my role as female, minus my role as Kim, minus my role as a divorced woman, minus my role as sister, and daughter. I listed all the things I did as work, things I studied, minus every possible ego role. Minus my hair, my arms, my hands, my legs, my everything, All the way down to “I am not.” It's like somehow I got up and I was seeing through all the material things that we think are the solid truth. I just ended up writing, “I am not,” put the pen down just for a couple seconds. And then wrote, “God is.”

I didn't know the meaning of what I wrote yet. I knew that something profound had just happened. And then after that, I was awakened with the audible voice of God saying to me, “There is no one right road. It is okay if you change direction. There is no one right road. The only wrong turn you can take is to deny my love, my will, my grace. When you are full of doubt or worthlessness, that is not my voice. That is not how I speak to my children.” That stayed with me. I was having, different kinds of miraculous things happening. One day, I had this experience where I see the EYE of God in everything,; looking at that I in me. So that I was looking at the eye of God and everything that was looking back. For a long time after that, I didn't use the personal pronoun, “I” anymore. I always wrote “EYE.” Because that to me was true seeing and the true being. So that led to a few years of some really intense experiences. I went through more suffering. More depths with God, more, unfolding of things. I had that experience where, I just heard that song, “If it be your will, I will stand upon that hill, and I will speak no more and stand upon that hill until I am spoken for.” I don't even know how to put into words what happened, but I bowed my head and I said yes. I got into bed, and then had, what I call an illumination of conscience. So everything was illuminated. My way of thinking. My way of living; anything I thought said or did toward another.
 

I experienced it from their experience rather than mine. I then experienced Christ standing before me and also in me. It was such an infusion to see that pure being and the holiness, and our true created being. The way that we live isn't that true created being. Yet there was all this love and mercy pouring over me at the same time. There was a realization that he was mirroring; he was showing me because I needed to see it, but he wasn't judging me. I was judging me based on that truth. He was just pouring out love and mercy. So I ended up sobbing, and when I say sobbing, I wept for 2 weeks. I was crying not only for me, I was weeping for all of us, and for him. I could literally feel like something was being lifted, like my soul was being lifted.

My body was on the bed, but my soul was being lifted. It was like I was being unifying with God. As my soul was unifying, everything was falling away. It was like soul and God or created creature and God becoming one.
 

Once that oneness happened, everything of me dissipated; it was this movement that started out really fast, then it slowed to an utter stillness. That's when I went into the womb of God. But there was no awareness of me anymore. It was just this awareness of this utter silence and stillness, I called it the womb because there was never, losing an awareness of supreme, the uncreated that created is what I ended up saying. Within that womb, every created thing started to appear. It felt like being submerged in water. Then light was experienced. It wasn't the personal Kim that was experiencing it. There was this realization that everything is one. Coming from that, it was like coming back to being.

Yet, it was Christ in me, he infused so much in me, and I wasn't living by me anymore. That's when I started getting a deep understanding of what Jesus meant about, when he was talking to Nicodemus in the Bible. You have to be born of spirit and water. It is like you go into the womb, but you go into the womb of God and to pre-creation. It was just this state of being, there wasn't anything of my identity that the ego wanted, needed, sought after, or had to go improve anything, or had to go teach anything. It was just being in God. All of this was being shown to me and happening. It was like God moved me from that state into being inhuman again. Like coming into the world again. That's when he gave me the experience of all the suffering of all time, of all creation; not just people, but animals and birds and the cosmos and the earth, all creation. He had me witness the crucifixion from different viewpoints. Like being part of humanity, crucifying him and crucifying each other. Then as someone loving him and trying to get to him to save him. Then I was crucified into him. Then it was no more me. I was gone again, and it was him. He was giving me his experience from inside him. There wasn't anything in him looking out, saying, you awful wretched sinners. There was just so much sorrow, agony and love and mercy. The crowd didn't know who I was. They're believing in all the lies at what they're doing. The pain and the anguish, yet at some point, the love and the mercy and spirit just took over. It was a central point of being returned into the womb of God again. Without even being able to articulate it at first, I knew that in his crucifixion, he is the full revelation of God.

 

In his crucifixion experience and everything he absorbed, He did lift everything unto himself and he returned everything to the pre-created, originally created, womb of God state. I was so blown away, all I said was “this is absolute love. I said, I thought experiencing the womb of God in union with God was the ultimate. But THIS is the ultimate love. Everything comes from you through you and returns to you. I have no more questions. I need no more answers. I then went into silence for a long time.
 

The womb of God experience happened in 2006. The crucifixion experience happened in 2008. Sometime after that I was out walking at a local school’s athletic field. To the left on the field, I saw Ancient of Days. That's what I ended up calling him. To me it was God. I never heard the term ancient of days at that point, but went over and got on my knees and just bowed my head. He put his hand on my head and he let me look into his eyes. There was a brightness all around him. Then, as I was standing up, all I could hear was Emmanuel. I turned and to my right was Jesus, as he looked when he walked the earth. I stood there, wrapping my arms around myself, having these ecstatic tears. I just knew, I looked at Jesus, I looked at the ancient of days; they were one and the same.
 

I knew that Jesus, ancient of days, and the womb of God, were one and the same. I just kept saying, “I'm in the garden. We're in the garden. The garden's here.” There's just no words to describe this. It's like I was made transparent; not to run from suffering, not to run from anyone, to be in that love.

The key things to me are, the oneness is beyond intellect. We live under this description and belief of separation. We live under an idea and belief in separate selves. That is what creates the crime, the division, abuse, and greed. Power over, destruction. It's the illusion. The separate selves, that that is what is not true.

Jesus came and was trying to correct. He was trying to show us. Love your neighbor as yourself because your neighbor is yourself.
 

I am in the father, who is in me. I'm in the father, you and me, I am you. The father and I are one. There is no condemnation in the father. He left all that to me. I have not come to judge the world, but to save it.

Peter said how many times must I forgive my brother? Jesus says 70 times 7 in one day. There are things Jesus said, that weren't just words.
Everything he gave me and all my writing points to the womb of God, ancient of days, Christ Jesus, crucified Jesus; they're all one. There's no separate self for all one. The Trinity is one. The EYE of God. That essence is in everything created.

When we come to see from that point of view, we see everyone in true being. We don't want to take, we don't want to harm. We don't deceive. We don't use people.

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The womb of God is, always here. Christ did take everything into himself. It doesn't mean that we don't have to do anything. The ego can't do it. We don't climb a ladder to God. We don't use our gifts and become holy. The whole journey showed me that it's unbecoming. We fall into God. We fall into the grace. We fall into an unbecoming, to be who we were truly created as. There's a lot of people waking up to this now that have been Christian, now they're starting to say, he didn't come as punishment. God didn't punish Jesus. He came to show the way and to show God's humility, God's love, God's mercy. Rather than God’s going to destroy us, he’s going to take it all in myself.
 

And so these are all the key things. I don't live from belief. Nothing in me is a belief. There came a knowing. It’s not Kim's knowing, it's God’s knowing. Bringing me into him, just unbecoming and returning me to precreation and original creation, that origin of divine love. For me it’s a lifestyle. Because it's a life of Christ, that's why I say God is, I am not, and in God I am. It basically left me with, my whole life became prayer.
 

Here I am, just transparent. It isn't about me building me up or me accomplishing anything. Jesus said to me, rid yourself of all that hinders you. Love is everything, the only thing. But not human love. It's not the way humans think of love. It's a love that is ineffable. It's so profound.

I’ve come to see that, measuring comes from human. Jesus wasn't measuring me. Jesus said the kingdom is within and also without, until there's no more within or without.

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One morning I woke up and at the top of the page I wrote in love of no differentiation. Sometimes we say go within. Sometimes, only see the impermanence. To focus on the impermanence only, the transient is to see only the impermanence, only what passes. To go within, totally deeply within, is to go without. All the way within, is all the way without; until no more within or without. This is to see clearly beyond vision. To see through the transient, the passing, is to see what is real; the river flowing ever. Space and time are not fundamental. Self is not fundamental. What is beyond space, time and self? What is beyond vision? And what if, “beyond is still too misleading?” What is fundamental? The womb. Groundless ground of being. And once we've slipped into the libation of this womb, of all creation before all creation, the mind has no land. Reason cannot pass its own tests anymore. As all sound of eye quiets; Meaning personal pronoun, eye. Now all creation can speak its beauty in the holiness of no distinguishing. All birth can be seen as another night's dream, until it dies to wake, in love of no differentiation.

Then the other thing. The infinite love, infinite “beingness,” infinite mercy. The infinite, uncaused, uncreated 1st cause. God in all mystery, revealing who we are eternally. “Rid yourself of all that hinders you.” Love is everything, the only thing. Christ Jesus. Infinite love is reality. It is beyond our self-interest. Yet we are wise to allow our being to be loved by our original lover.

Love, true, pure; divine love has no opposite. Love holds no opinions for love is real. Love does not force, does not coerce. Love has no separate self, to desire me, my, mine, over you, or yours. All are significant and sacred, and also not one more significant than another. Our oneness shows our insignificance and significance in one instance.

Everyone everywhere is loved always. Everyone is searching for home. What is home? Love, capital L. This love is not love from or of the mind. It is not a concept. If we ask what is love, we can't know it by answers of definition. This love is being. Once we think we know this love by definition, we put limits on it. This love is spirit, raw, undefended, undefined, unlimited. “Gravity has lost its grip on my soul.” Something I wrote after experiencing the dissolution of my ego, of my self; even dissipation of my soul into the womb of God. When identity is no longer organized around self or effort or agency or outcome that social rhythms are built on. Motivation, projection and becoming are now the standards.

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Even relationships can struggle. Because often they require a stable self narrative and productivity which assumes future oriented identity. When that gravitational field collapses, one does not live from that field anymore. Society doesn't know what to do with or make of the of that one. “The self that knew how to perform, how to navigate, how to fit in and how to move forward or become is gone.” When one experiences absolute divine love, everything dissolves and in dissolution, only love remains. All strategies have vanished, where all questions cease and no more answers are needed. So what is one to do when one has been undone?

It can be found in Jesus’ explanation, “if you lose your life for my sake, you will find it. Pick up your cross deny yourself and follow me.” It really is. It it is a dying of the self. Because the separate self is not what's real. Your life is not so much about you anymore. It's like you're being lived. It's not oppressive, it's not like God is manipulating you. It's this love that just remains; that's you're unbecoming,. You're just being. You are a vessel that God moves through. So there's no ownership. There's no claiming. There's no method. There's no program. It may sound “unchristian” because today, people look to Christ as a life coach. They want to have a better life and Jesus was teaching something different.